Berty gets Dick(ed)!
Sawii Di Krap! (Hello)
We arrive in Phuket and laura's cousin Lee picks us up, and takes us to our house. Amazing. Totally classic place, sky Tv, fridge of beer etc, amazing. Lee and his burd Weewe take us out for a few beers and a meal - one of the best i've had.
We head out to the clubs. 3 of them. Tip: Wear a kilt in Thailand. Was reliably informed by Lee that 'one of the nicest burds in here' was in fact a ladyboy. Couldn't believe it - gutted.
Got absolutely blind on Tequila and white wine, danced like a tit and pulled this total stunner of a burd called Nan. Found out later she was an exotic dancer - Score!!
Still pished when I woke, we headed to the beach for a bit of snorkelling. Doing the total Scuba Andy. Almost chundered after swallowing about 2 litres of salt water.
On our last day in Phuket, we got a boat to Mr Scaramanga's island from the bond film. Quite cool - got some good pics, will upload them later. Went to the floating market - insane - a whole floating world, got a school and allsorts. Saw some monkeys, laura wants one - think she has a strange monkey fetish.
A bit of shopping done, a tiny bit of food, and back out on the lash with Lee, Weewe and a few of his mates. Lee insisted he payed for completely everything, and plied me with Tequila while I watched Scotland get totally assholed by Holland. Tough to watch. Met some burd called Meaow: I am the only person I know, apart from Colin, to get off with a nan and a cat.
So we're now on Koh Phi Phi, about 3 miles away from where the beach was filmed. Got bitten by approx. 300 ants in our appartment.
Colin - cheers for the email boss, good to hear from you. I may come to the Arches with you when I get back. Euphoria!
Bob - without doubt the funniest drunken email I have ever read. Absolutely fizin.
Andy - hahahahaha you smell.
BC - absolutely brilliant email, will stick it at the bottom of this post.
Alison - cheers for the mail doll - having wayyyyyyy to much fun!!
Roddy - roddy, roddy, roddy. You are a total drunken fool. Was totally pissing myself while reading your mail - keep up the good work.
Cheryl - thanks for the hug, miss ya doll!
Jackie - by the time I got ure mail I had left Phuket - had an awesome time though - cheers!
M + P - Tartan trousers eh? What you think I am - some sort of bender?
Vick + Brode - same as above.
Helen - Happy birthday ya TART!
Claire - Happy b'day on the 24th, Drink us proud.
Lee - The Chuckster and I thank you so much for letting us stay with you. Never had so much fun/drink/food. Top quality bloke, thanks. Pics up soon. Can't say thank you enough.
Weewe - same as above, but don't let him get other people completely and utterly hammered!
Matt - cheers for the mail back mate, will let you know when things kick off on the east side.
Ok, here's that email I promised.....
CELLICK BHOY by April Lasagne
(Sung to the tune of Sk8er Boi - by Avril Lavigne)
She was a drunk, he was a ned,
they met one Saturday at Parkhead.
They both live in a hole, both on the dole.
Can I be any more obvious?
He was a Cellick Bhoy,
she said see you later boy,
got to pick up my four weans.
He's got a facial scar,
drives in a stolen car
and only washes when it rains.
He's fresh from jail, she's out on bail,
flashing her gash round Blythswood Square.
Its such a shame, she's pregnant again!
Can I be any more obvious?
He was a Cellick boy,
she said 'see you later boy,
got to go score some drugs.'
He's got facial scar, drives in a stolen car,
and he is lousy with the bugs.
But now they have split,'cos he burst her lip,
just after Celtic lost last week.
It never could last, just like Buckfast.
Can I be any more obvious?
He was a Cellick Bhoy,
she said 'see you later boy,
you're not good enough for me'.
No more Bhoy with the facial scar,
She's dating a superstar,
Neil Lemmon from Cellick - well 'glory be'.
She was a sl*t, he was a ned.
Can I be any more obvious?
Later everyone, keep the mails flying in.
