The last post

Welcome, children, to the last post on my round the world travels.

I'm definately home now, compounded by the fact I've got a job, have sent away my application to the forces and thoroughly hate neds.

It's day 5 of my post-modern pentathalon - 5 days of blotto to you and me - and I'm beginning to feell like pish. It's been a little over 2 weeks since I last spoke to you, so here's what's been on the cards.

After a few days back home catching up with some mates, being home still hadn't hit me. Probably still high on the excitement of being back and also the nerves tingling in the background looking forward to my sister getting married (or merrit as we say over here).

The wedding was to be on the Isle of Arran, just off the west coast of Scotland. It's the best place in the world, and our whole family has been going there since before I was born. Mother nature was on our side as we turn up to Brodick Castle to setup some things for the reception...



We spent the whole day decking out the marquee...



With most things all done, we head back to the cottage for a few shandies before the big day...

And so it arrives. My bros Rod, Brian and I are ushers along with Si, Brodie's mate. We head down to the church, let everyone in, then watch my dad knock over the string quartet's music stands while he walks my sister, who looks absolutely stunning, down the ailse. A quick pic of the boys of the wedding...



A few tears and a couple of 'I do's' later, I now have a brother-in-law. I'm sure that's a good excuse to get completely blotto. We usher the guests onto buses bound for the castle, and get stuck into the champagne. A couple of photos before we hit the food and real bevvy...







After a few quality speeches, good food and several Vodka Red Bulls, the dance floor comes alive...



Before you know it, the day is over - people are getting back on the buses - and it's time to clean the marquee up while blotto before heading back home, swigging Lochranza whisky to the tunes of David Bowie.

It wasn't completely evident where I had woken up when I did, but it was straight over to the castle for a huge cleanup operation before getting back to the cottage and prepping our livers for yet another sadistic day on the sauce. Yes, there was an after-marriage gathering at the house, and it turned messy.

All political correctness was thrust out the window quicker than an afghani cave-dweller as soon as the rusty nails were offered. It was down t'pub for some food accompanied by Absinthe, suffixed by a walk up the road and back to the beer tent. Anyone for a game of chair rugby?





The next day, Vick and Brode left on mini-honeymoon. The captain of the ferry was bunged a bottle of whisky to see the newly married couple off with some flair. Video here.

It was the day after that post-travelling realisation kicked in, and it was horrible. I couldn't believe I was back, and immediately had to get out the house.

And so it is now that I have just been able to get a grip on reality. I've sent away my application to join the navy and have started my own IT company. It's called IT Stratagem Ltd, and it does all kinds of computer crap from small business networking analysis and installation to building computers for the home to advising parents on how to stop their kids looking at porn. Give me a bell on www.it-stratagem.co.uk if you want to save some money and get a common sense solution to any problem you have.

And so thats it - I cant possibly say hello to everyone again, but a huge thanks to everyone I've met over the last year, you've all made it extremely worthwhile. To all my friends I've come back to who have made it easier to get back into the swing of things - you've all been fizin - thank you. To my utterly amazing family - unlucky, I'm back. To chuck, my travel bud, meh.

Keep a sharp lookout for a new set of pictures coming on fizin, all of Vick and Bro's wedding and hopefully some of Karen and Julies 21st tonight - Happy birthday bitches!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it has been an absolute pleasure.

Mick

Home

Good day, my friends.

I am now back in Glasgow, the joint Buckfast and Kappa capital of the world. Since the day of leaving LA, I have arrived in 'Nedsville' by way of Phoenix, St Louis, Detroit, Boston, New York and London. Fiz.

Back in LA, I took some folk up flying at night which was fizin, said goodbye to some seriously decent folk at the academy and Peter gave me a lift to LAX and dropped me off in his helicopter on the VIP pad. Videos here and here if you wish. See ya later folks!

Unable to get up to Winnipeg, I grab a couple of planes to St Louis to meet up with big Mike Dizel who I worked with in Sydney and his burd Emily. What da shizel!? What a fizin couple! Em and Mike had just moved into their new pad in St Louis and I kipped on their sofa, probably the comfiest thing in the world.

Mike and I buzz about good ol' St Lou for a few hours, and come across this huuuuge arch...



Plus the classic tourist shot...



I have a brilliant couple of days in St Louis, even buy a Cardinals shirt. After a few beers it's time for me to head off again to New York. I say goodbye to Mike and Emily, and jump on the plane.

I get into New York and get to Laura's cousins' flat. Nicola and Jon instantly make me feel right at home - we get blotto! A few bottles of wine and some proper whisky later and we take the dog out for a walk - time for a photo of the Manhattan skyline without the twin towers...



The next day I leave early for Boston and meet Erin, another mate I met in Syndey while working. Such a good laugh up there, getting blitzed and having a walk around Boston. It has to be one of my favourite cities in the USA, maybe even the world...



I even bump into Eileen Myles, an old pal from school at the ridiculously touristy Cheers bar...



This world really is small. Another bus back to NY and some wine before one night at Nicola and John's amazing pad in Brooklyn. Manhattan is my first and only real stop in NY, so I do some shopping and pick up some stuff for folk back home and even manage to hurl abuse at George W during some protest. Brilliant.

And so it was onto London. It felt amazing getting on a British plane and watching some British TV. Woke the fat burd beside me when I was laughing too hard at Blackadder the 3rd. Make no mistake - the UK is the best country in the world.

Despite not sleeping in a couple of days I meet up with Loy and Steve - 2 of my best mates from uni who are now being paid ridiculous amounts of money to read the BBC news website everyday.

They stay in this immense place in the Docklands in London called New Providence Wharf, right on the Thames, across from the Millenium Dud ehh I mean Dome...



We get mangled on Friday, doing a 'tonne-night' and almost got shot by a taxi driver that was trying to sell us weed when I told him I was from Her Majesty's Drug Enforcement Unit. Seemed a good idea at the time.

So a few days with the high rollers aka Loy and Steve, had a brilliant time and managed to catch up with a few mates from uni as well, bonus.

And so it was the train up to Luton and an easyjet up to Glasgow, met at the airport by Rod, Kim and Faisal, brilliant. I saunter into the house and meet my folks and a couple of glasses of champagne.

And so came 'The Questions'

In the past 15 minutes I have been asked the following questions roughly 8 times each.

1) How was it?

2) Is it weird to be back?

3) What's your favourite country?

4) What's your favourite bit?

5) What are you going to do now?

6) Tell me about the burds.

The answers are...

1) Amazing, the best thing I've ever done and probably will ever do.

2) Not in the slightest. I'm having a great time, brilliant to see everyone again and can't wait for the wedding.

3) Thailand was amazing because you got a curry and a beer for less than a pound. Fiji was unreal because of the people and most of the places. A hard choice but I'll go with Thailand. It was our first stop and Bangkok was utterly, utterly mental.

4) A quite, quite, quite impossible question to answer. Since leaving last year until the moment I write this, there are simply thousands of moments flying through my head every minute. From eating Labrador kebabs bought from a smelly old woman in Bangkok to walking Hippo along the promenade in NY. From meeting back up with good friends to making new ones in less than an hour. From flying out of LAX to flying myself over it, the whole thing has been one huge viagra for the mind.

5) Ah yes, my favourite question. Well, since my bank manager is currently holding a Glock 9mm to my head I think it's best if I start making money instead of continually swiping my credit card as if I'm earning as much as Loy and Steve put together. But first comes the 10th of September, my sister's wedding! You'll find some photos on my next post.

6) Stories about the female of the species may be purchased for the amount of one bottle of Corona or Stella per tale, or see answer 1.

And so my travels are over after cirumnavigating the globe by plane, train, bus, tuk tuk etc. What an amazing time it's been. Most of that I owe to my best travelling bud Millar and everyone else I've met along the way. I can't possibly start to name every single person that it's been a pleasure to meet but you all know who you are. Apart from you, Carl - everyone just pretended to like you.

Of course, the door is always open to you all up here in Scotland. Special thanks go to everyone who put Millar or me up for a night or 2 - it's much appreciated. To all the weird folk we've met along the way (90% of them were on the greyhound buses in America), I say good luck to you.

To all Americans - please do me and yourselves a favour. If that tit Bush gets in office again, your country will go down the tubes - everyone will perceive you as thick bastards trying to emulate your monkey-leader, and no country will like you. Sound advice, I think.

I don't think there ever will be a definitive goodbye post on this blog yet - the next post on it will be some pics of Vick and Bro's wedding.

Cheers,

Mick

2 weeks to go

Eveningtide, sports fans.

Yes, it's back, and it's more overdue than ever before!

A quick happy birthday to Chazza! Have a quality BBQ, will see you all in a bit.

You are currently reading the words of a registered private pilot, Captain Andrew McAllister. Yesterday I went up in the air with my examiner, a rather large gentleman, and managed to stop the airplane crashing for a full 2 hours before he gave me my license. So 50 hours exactly of flight experience and I'm now a pilot. The national average is about 75, so I did not bad.

And so now yours truly can fly planes for a laugh. When I get back home I'll need to do another couple of tests for the UK aviation industry - I believe you need to don an incredibly english accent on the radios to pass them. 'Roger Roger' as they say. 'Yes, please!' as Dale Winton would reply.

And so what has been going on? Well, lots of flying, studying and more flying. Managed to piss all over my written test which was sweet and have gone on a couple of more night flights. Got a video of an emergency landing with no engine I had to do at night which was fizin - have a look at it here. You may need to turn up the brightness on the video a wee bit.

On my last solo cross country before the checkride I went to this tiny wee airport that's surrounded by hills, a little challenging to bring wee laura down on the numbers but good fun. On the way back to El Monte I get bored and take a few photos...



Plus I got bored and thought I'd take a photo of myself to spread the love...



And so I sit here in the brilliant Universal Air Academy. I've met loads of cool people and some wannabe terrorists to boot, I swear this place is under the watch of the FBI. But now I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow to St Louis for a day or 2. Gutted I won't be able to make it up to Canada to see Richie and Glen but should manage to meet up with big Mike Dizel in St Louis. From there it's on to New York for a couple of days, then London for a couple to see Loy and Steve. I'm pretty sure that will be mayhem.

Then it's back home to Glasgow a few days later. It makes me feel physically sick thinking about coming home. Life in LA just now is so sweet - so much so that I'm gonna try my best to come back here next year.

What'll also be weird is putting my backpack on again after a month of living out of a chest of drawers! I'll be arriving into LAX in style. I've been stuck on the VIP corridor list and will be dropped off by Peter in a helicopter. Meh. All these Los Angelinos seeing some scruffy travelling scumbag getting out of a $200,000 copter complete with backpack, may have to take some photos.

My 1st ever qualified flight will be tonight, just going to go and buzz around the area, see what happens. I've also been lending a hand in the hangars to the head mechanic, Marco, a sweaty overwieght mexican dude with a passion for styling his hair with SAE 50 Ashless Dispersant aviation oil...



So the reality of leaving this place is finally hitting home, gutted. In roughly 2 weeks time I'll be laughing at Glesga neds and their immaculately kept tracksuits. It's not all bad, I get to see all my family and friends and get blind for free!

Maybe the next time you'll hear from me I'll be back in Britannia complete with hangover and an empty wallet.

Tally ho,

Mick

P.S. Contrary to popular belief, I actually say tally ho over the radios - almost impossible to accomplish without sticking on an RAF sliver-spoon-in-mouth accent.

My family - See you all in 2 weeks, can't wait. Nice work on the sheets, Rod! Speeches done lads? Enjoy Nice.

My best bud Millar - Meh, blotto, Franz, San Deigo, Maroon. Cheers doll.

Tamp and Co - sorry I couldn't make it up to Half Moon Bay, would have been fiz to see you in the home of the weed bag again - catch you all in Scotland

Phil + Ross - And so the pair are back together. You must feel complete! Email on way.

Sarah - Flip a bitch, more cushion, grow some x

Emma - OOOoooohhhhhh you met a boy eh?? Phil, Ross and I must approve 1st.

My best buddies back home, most of whom are in Spain the now - Muchos Cerveca? Meh u guys must be having a fizin time meh.

Loy and Steve aka London Psychos - A special shout to you guys, will see you soon now! Hope the 1st week of work goes well Loy!

Caz - Your ham sandwich email was brilliant. Cheese next time? Cheese and onion?

Richie, Glen - Lads, can't believe I won't be able to make it up to Canada. Had bought myself a fishing rod and 11 crates of Corona as well!

Mike D - Wha da shizel? See you in a couple of days matey!

Erin Bizel - Email on way about NY.

The Hawaii Crew - Hope you're all doing well, folks! Craig u sicko, u still kicking about in the good ol' South K? Nat, J - the jobs still going well? Adamski - I'll be kicking about in London for a bit - Lime me.

Peter R, my good friend and instructor - Matey, what a quality last month. You've turned me from a daft Scottish drunk into a daft Scottish drunk pilot - can't thank you enough.

Pete - Boss, what a quality laugh we've had over the past few weeks. Tennis will never be the same again. No potato peels between 6-8pm down waste disposal.

Everyone at UAA - See you next year folks. Hopefully by then Medany Airways will be flying from a different base!

Everyone I've met while travelling - You are all welcome to drop in to Glasgow at any time - my brother's flat has a spare room.

Chocks Away!

Hello all you love gods.

Just now I'm sitting by the pool nursing the worst hangover I've ever had in my entire life. Last night Pete and I managed to stumble into a college toga party clutching a 2 litre bottle of vodka and coke.

We were ejected from the party later on by some Mexican dude with a problem with us Brits getting all the action! The single best thing to bring with you while travelling has got to be a kilt. Even if you're English (unlucky), go and buy one. It works even better than saying you're a pilot.

OK, so what the hell has been happening? In short, not much. I've been flying every day to different airports, with different people in different aircraft. Why only 4 days ago I helped deliver a $400,000 helicopter to some guy at the busiest airport in the world!

A video of us just after taking off at the same time as a JAL 747-800 is here. Another vid of us flying over the beach Black Hawk Down style is here, and it's quality! The last one of the flight is here, where we flew through all the buildings in downtown LA - as close to 9/11 as it gets, and highly illegal.

So studying is the main priority, trying to get my written test out the way. After that it's a couple of solo cross countries, a few night flights then I take a checkride with an examiner after an oral exam. Should be done in about 2 weeks, if I get my finger out enough.

There's really only one photo I can stick up here that's any good...



One thing I did do is go on a cross country with one of the students at the academy who had just passed his PPL. Medany is from Egypt, hasn't quite grasped the English language fully and I don't think he owns a toothbrush. He is also the worst pilot I've ever seen. Just before he almost crashed into another Cessna at 3000ft he told me to call him by his first name. "What's that?" I asked. He replied, "Islam" I knew this was going to be a bad flight.

You can blatantly see the smog all around LA (that's it on a good day). After a few flights in Wee Laura the wing struts and the propeller are manky - all caused by pollution. Mmmmmmm. The X-games are on just about where we were over just now, so LA is pumpin.

Enjoy the vids folks,

Mick

M + P - Good talking to you guys on the phone, see you in a month?

V + B - 30 days and counting!

Rod - Laughed like a tit in the post office when I got the envelope - cheers boss!

BC - Congratulations BC - you are a free man!!

Millar - Meh Millar, meh. 2 day hangovers are not the same without Subway/McD's! By the beard of Zeus - not long til ure home now? You know I don't speak spanish. Why do birds etc

Nick, Michelle, Steph and Louis - Looking good for a flight up to Half Moon Bay!

Phil + Ross - How are you both coping without each other? It's OK, men are allowed to cry

Emma - How many mobiles you lost now doll?

Peek, Ronnie, Colin, Bob, Der Bleh - BLOTTTTTTOOO!!! Manchester sesh required.

Loy and Steve - See you on the 3rd!

Caz - See email for chance in a lifetime

Faisal - Derimah

Kimmy G - Good talking to you on the phone doll! See you Sept x

Richie, Glen - Fishing, beer, maybe even a flight or 2, immense!

Mike D - Fingers crossed mate I can make it down to good ol' St Louis!

Nat and J - J - immense news about job, crackin - hope you're both well.

Craig + Adamski - I had a couple of Coronas the other day - WITHOUT LIME! Almost shot the barman.

Alone at 3000ft in LA

Folks

I sit here in my flight academy half naked after my first ever solo flight in my wee plane.

Now that I've got your attention, I'll explain properly from the beginning.

Millar and I head to go and see John Mayer and Maroon 5 live at the Verizon Wireless amphitheatre in Irvine, LA. Absolutely fizin. If you want to see some crap videos from the concert they are here and here...



Better than them was Mandy Moore who was sitting in front of us - she is absolutely fiz!

Millardo and I head down to San Diego the next day, and decide to head over the border into Mexico for a couple of Coronas. Some greasy spic then pours Tequila down our throats a few times, picks us up and spins us round the bar...



The name of the place will ring-a-ding-ding a few bells of some folks back home, prompting Millar and I to put on 'weegie accents and shout "Haaaaaaawwwww ah've seen yer frog!"...



Universal Studios was the next stop, quality quality fiz-style quality! The usual Universal chat, went on all the rides, saw all the usual film sets, had an amazing time. Even managed to meet Susan Quinn! On the way out we also met...GREAT SCOTT...Dr Emmett Brown...



Brilliant.

After that, Disneyland had to be done. The highlight? Has to be the rollercoaster we went on about 35 times. A video of my ugly mug chewing vigorously under high g-forces is here.

And so Millar left on the 21st July, 2004. A good 8 and a half months travelling together every hour of every day was absolutely magic - if there's someone this post is dedicated to, it's got to be that Scottish bint Millar! Laura heads onto her flight as I head east, back into the heart of LA - home of the bodybag.

I arrive at El Monte airport an hour later, my home for the next month or so...



The place looks pretty sweet, even though some 8 year old girl was gunned down here about an hour before I arrived.

Am lucky enough to grab a room at one of the other student's - a quality english bloke called Peter - flat for pretty cheap. When I got there I couldn't believe it - pool, jacuzzi, volleyball court etc. Meh. Have managed to blag a car of one of the instructors here for a wee while, too - Mintit!

And so how am I sitting here half naked?

Well, I've been learning to fly now for a week. Managed to amass about 18 hours of time up in the air with my instructor, yet another Peter. Have been practicing emergency procedures, stalls, steep turns, the whole syllabus. Today he told me to taxi to a different bit of the airport, jumped out and said "you're on your own!"

3 takeoffs and landings later, I get back to the academy, congratulated by a few of the guys, who proceeds to cut the back out of my shirt - some pilot thing apparently. Pity, coz I bought that shirt in Disneyland and it cost me a few bucks! A quick photo next to my plane, N33LJ aka "wee laura"...



And so to the next step, cross country flying. It's damn hard work - by the time I've finished here I'll have read at least 8 boring books about why cockpit isn't a funny word.

Later,

Captain Mick Foxtrot Tango Papa

M + P - Ok so no video, but hope you like the pics

V + B - Email received, see what I can do.

Rod - Meh you drunken bum

BC - Towel being brought in yet?

Nick, Michelle, Steph and Louis - How you guys doing? Hopefully meet up with you next weekend!

Phil + Ross - Ooooh saucy! Have a good time at the wedding boss? Phil you tramp!! See you soon my little cherubs!

Emma - Brings a new meaning to being en-piste! Blotto the whole time doll, played x

Peek, Ronnie, Colin, + Bob - Bombay Mix, snooks, beer and..... SHACK?!!?

Loy and Steve - Loyyydd, I owe you - congrats on the champagne Steve!

Andy - Handy stop changing your number, ya druggy.

Caz - Onions? Website with onions? Mail me.

Faisal - Fais, can you teach me Urdu when I get back?

Kimmy G, Kimmy G Jr and Kimmy G Jr Jr - Madness, sheer madness.

Richie, Glen - Looking good for mid-late aug lads!

Layla, Mary, Alan, Toby, Tom - Mothe, alam menal alponi?

Louise - Got yer email doll, cheers for the mention! See you for a few shandies soon.

Sabs - Mwwwaaaahahahahaha. Liver Damage = complete.

Mike D - Immense pics matey, fiz!

Nat and J - Got yer emails - shoe shop eh? Millar will be hounding you for staff discounts!

Craig - You sick sick voyeur asian sicko! Brilliant.

Adamski - The C word. That doesn't end in unt.

Peter R - Cheers for getting me to solo - a good pal and instructor!